When we begin a yoga session, we are often encouraged by the instructor to set intentions for our experience on the mat.

Some people take this time to identify desired outcomes: to walk away sweaty, to be relaxed for the rest of the day, to hold a particular pose for a little bit longer, or even to make it back to the mat again tomorrow.

Unfortunately, these aren't actually intentions. These are goals--great, wonderful, valid goals--but they are not truly intentions.

Many people can easily confuse the difference between intentions and goals, or between intentions and resolutions. Goals or resolutions are generally tangible outcomes that can be measured, evaluated, observed, tracked….either they happen or they don't.

By design, they can be magnets for self induced expectations, judgment, disappointment, frustration…even when goals are achieved, the path towards them can involve negative thinking, fear, anxiety and stress.

By contrast, intentions describe how we want to approach or experience whatever is happening around us or whatever task we are engaged in. They are present focused rather than future focused, process focused rather than outcome focused.

Another way to think of intentions is to identify a theme or a word that describes how you want to be or what you want to give to yourself and others.

Our intentions guide our thoughts and actions in the moment.

And so, I challenge you to set an intention. Think about what worked and didn't work for you in the past hour, day, week, month or year. What was it about those situations or experiences that affected you the most? What role did you play in these situations? What did you have control over, and what was beyond your control?

Remember, we generally have the most control over our reactions to a situation, and less control over the environment around us.

If you can, identify any themes that are present among these different events or experiences. This can be a good place to begin when deciding on your intention.

Resolutions and goals tend to identify things that we want more (balance, confidence, self care) or less (stress, anxiety, negativity) of in our lives. Our intentions can identify how we want to be when we are trying to put this into practice.

Setting intentions calls us to become more mindful, by paying attention to the moment before us and increasing our self awareness through the focus on how we are experiencing the moment. By extension, we may enjoy more self compassion and acceptance when we slow down and remove the pressure of achievement.

Originally published at takingflightcenter.com in January 2016

Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) is a concept that was popularized by psychologist Daniel Goleman, who built upon the works of decades of research and work by other psychologists, who posited that EQ is a combination of abilities and traits that allow us to be attuned to our own emotions and the emotions of others. Similar to cognitive intelligence, emotional intelligence develops as we interact with the world around us.

The foundation of emotional intelligence is emotional awareness, the ability to identify emotions and acknowledge feelings such as anger, worry, or sadness. Once children are able to identify their own emotions, they are then able to relate to others’ emotions. The ability to take someone else’s perspective and guess how the other person may be feeling or what they may be thinking builds empathy and understanding for others. In this way, emotional intelligence is an important component of social development.

Emotional Intelligence Across the Lifespan

Children begin to mimic and respond to emotional expressions from infancy, when they smile in return to their parents’ smiles and coos. Instinctively babies seek to read the expressions on their caregivers’ faces and respond to others’ emotions. With assistance, toddlers and pre-schoolers develop strategies to help them manage their own emotions when they become too big or overwhelming. These are all processes that contribute to emotional intelligence.

Emotional awareness and patterns of emotional expression and responsiveness continue to grow and change over the lifespan. These are observed during the interactions of daily life in childhood, adolescence and adulthood. When adults are not paying enough attention to their own emotions, it can become challenging to help children cultivate their own emotional awareness and self-regulation skills. In this regard, the concept of emotional intelligence is one that is pertinent to family systems as a whole.

Within a new wave of parenting books focusing on the importance of emotions, authors such as Daniel Siegel M.D. have written extensively about the importance of emotional awareness and regulation over the lifespan, with expanding focus on the neurobiology of emotions and interpersonal relationships. Siegel’s books offer insights into the connections between various aspects of brain development and functioning on children’s behaviors and explore ways for parents to provide structure and guidance to encourage the development of positive and helpful emotional regulation skills. Many of these concrete tools are valuable for parents to help children navigate the complex process of social-emotional development, building a foundation of healthy emotional connections among all family members. Another key consideration for supporting emotional well-being within family systems is the emotional experiences of the caregivers who are responding to a distressed child and the emotional interactions between caregivers. Self-care and compassion are essential for adults who are working on understanding and regulating their own emotions while they help their children to do the same.

Emotionally Intelligent Families

The healthy emotional functioning of caregivers is vital to the development of healthy emotional functioning and behaviors within children. The most important way families can encourage the development of emotional awareness is by placing a spotlight on emotions. When caregivers name and validate their own emotions, as well as their partner’s and children's emotions, it can serve to legitimize and validate those emotions and experiences. In contrast, when caregivers attempt to shield children from their emotions or suppress our expression of emotions, it can send the message that those emotions are taboo, shameful or “bad”.

The emotional connections between caregivers, including romantic partners or between primary caregivers and grandparents, provide an important model for the management of emotions within interpersonal relationships. Caregivers who are respectful of each other and provide each other with open support and empathy benefit as well as the children who observe these interactions and internalize them.

Emotions are natural human responses, but sometimes children struggle with finding appropriate or acceptable ways to express them. It is important to make the distinction between emotions, our internal responses to stimuli, and what we do with those emotions, behaviors. Encouraging children to acknowledge and name their emotions and identifying how those emotions can feel in their bodies, such as the sensation of butterflies when feeling worried or nervous, increases emotional intelligence. This, in turn, can help children feel more empowered and in control of their emotions, which can help them make better decisions when they become upset.

Without this confidence in themselves, children can become anxious and fearful of their emotions which can escalate undesirable behaviors. Parents can help children learn self regulation skills by talking about emotions and appropriate ways to handle emotions, and by modeling these behaviors. Talking openly around the dinner table about an experience that was frustrating or scary, for example, and how the parent handled the situation is a valuable time for learning and connecting as a family.

Increasing emotional dialogue at home can be uncomfortable for some, especially for those who were raised to believe that emotions should not be discussed or are a sign of weakness. Being aware of these underlying beliefs is important, as well as acknowledging any discomfort associated with particular emotions or emotional expressions. For instance, some parents have a difficult time responding to their child’s anger and may feel quickly overwhelmed by behavioral displays of anger. It is important for a parent in this situation to acknowledge and validate her own emotional reaction, and to practice self-compassion. This means that the caregiver will:

1. Acknowledge that they are experiencing fear or helplessness and struggling to respond to a child,

2. validate that it is okay to struggle

3. without assigning judgment and replacing any negative self talk, before they can

4. plan for a response to her child.

Taking this time for self-awareness increases the ability to respond with empathy and compassion to others.

By bringing to light a focus on emotions including strategies to better understand, identify and respond to emotions, caregivers and parents can equip children with valuable tools to use throughout their lives. Parents and caregivers can also benefit from their own continued emotional growth and development as they take time to respond to their child(ren)'s emotions and their own in thoughtful, compassionate ways. This can help to shift the focus away from feeling pressured to always "fix" the problem causing a child's distress, which can prevent the child from engaging in problem solving and building resilience, towards connecting and moving through the distress. Children who are provided this opportunity are poised to gain confidence and skills to navigate through difficult situations and to form healthy emotional connections with others as they move through adolescence into adulthood.

Originally published at takingflightcenter.com in February 2017

As I sat at my kitchen table, decluttering and sorting the recycling, I picked up a recently expired desk calendar, the kind that promise a thought provoking quote each day.

I couldn't help but find the irony in the moment as I found myself quickly flipping through months worth of quotes because I'd fallen so behind, too busy with other tasks to pay any notice to the words on the paper each day, the days piling on top of each other.

There I was trying to go back to see what goodies I'd missed, what pearls of wisdom I could scrape together to carry forward with me. This all-at-once awareness of past, present, future was dizzying.

And there it was. “Simplify. Simplify.” I smirked, ripped out the page and quickly snapped a photo which I sent off to my colleagues.

I'd already revealed to them my intention for the year. Simplifying. Trying to remove the excess that tangles me up and holds me back at times. My colleagues knew that this was a challenge for me.

My tendency is often to over complicate, rather than to look towards simplicity. In my attempts to be thorough and prepared, I run into the pattern of over thinking things, over committing myself, and running out of energy quickly by worrying or trying to get it all accomplished to my standards. When I asked myself what was getting in the way of my own stress management and mindfulness, this was a very clear area for improvement for me.

As I mentioned in the previous post, intentions are different than goals, and therefore can be less concrete or tangible. When I set my intention, I wasn't exactly sure how it would come to fruition, I just knew it was a shift in my perspective that I needed to make.

In my daily life, I try to be aware of this intention by asking myself if I am “simplifying” in the moment before me. It has been challenging and I have had to remind myself often of my intention. I caught myself recently spending hours researching costs and features of a product as I prepared to make a purchase. Once I reminded myself to simplify, I stopped caring so much about the details and the choice became easier. This has taught me to trust my instincts more.

Sometimes simplifying has meant spending extra time or energy on the front end of things, such as devising a system for planning meals for the week, something I would usually stress about each day trying to decide and figuring out if we had all of the things we needed for that day’s meal. But now I have a simple system that works and reduces my daily stress and cuts down on the number of trips to the grocery store each week. This has helped me to save more energy, and to be able to change my habits to purchase only what I need, another way to reduce excess. It's also allowed me to enjoy feeling less pressured, by inviting my family to share in the responsibility for planning dinners for the week.

I’ve also spent time decluttering and organizing spaces so that I can more simply access or find whatever it is I am looking for, and to get rid of the clothes, toys, things that my family does not use or need. I’ve also cut down on the amount of tasks I schedule for myself and my family on the weekends. This has given me more space to connect with my family and to do more of the things I enjoy doing, rather than the focus on accomplishing.

As I write this post, I find myself being aware of my inclination towards being verbose. I accept this awareness in the absence of criticism or judgment. It is this awareness that helps me to put my intention in to practice.

Originally published at takingflightcenter.com in 2016

"Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go..."

Holiday songs beckon a romanticized image of a family merrily traveling for a holiday visit, where one can hear the crackle of the fire waiting as they enter the cozy family home and enjoy time spent together by the hearth, sipping hot chocolate and eating homemade treats from a recipe passed down through the generations. Days filled with laughter, playing outside in the freshly fallen snow, hearty meals...

The reality is long waits at the airport or rides in the car, parents and kids pushed to their brinks, overdosed on sugary treats, and overstimulated by all of the lights, sounds and people. Disrupted routines, bad weather and lack of sleep can shatter the idyllic scenario of peace and joy, for both parents and children alike. Patience and tolerance can wear thin quickly during the holiday season, when reality can differ so much from the expectations built by Lifetime movies and songs that talk of the days of yore.

My family is on an extended holiday visit with my family in Georgia, which has included a few very rainy days. While we are enjoying our time spent with family, I have noticed us all struggling a bit more than usual to listen to each other and respond to each other with empathy and compassion. Just like my own behaviors, my kids' behaviors are an indication of their needs-sleep, food, attention, more or less stimulation, etc. Determining the source of behaviors or emotions can serve to guide me in my responses to them.

Here is how I help my kids and myself when we are struggling with the overwhelm of the holidays.

My first response when I see my kids struggling with following rules or listening to directions is to evaluate my expectations. Are my expectations developmentally appropriate and reasonable based upon the situation? Having expectations that don't match reality can be a source of tension and stress for both parents and children. Adjusting my vision of their behaviors, and mine, so they are more realistic can help to ease anxiety and stress. I must be mindful of these mental pictures I have created and any hidden expectations I may have. Once I am aware of them, I can determine if they are serving me well or if they are preventing me from being present and in the moment, thus giving rise to stress or even frustration. This is a way to adjust my reaction to the environment.

Then, I figure out how to change the environment to yield better responses. This is where I can become creative with how I help my kids focus their energies and help calm themselves. Following a visit to the Aquarium, we involved the whole family in yoga based around an aquatic theme. There are some really great aquatic themed poses and we had fun making up some poses of our own! We even had grandma join in on the fun! (And we ended with a fun movement activity using Laurie Berkner's song "Let's go Swimming"). Using their bodies in purposeful, creative and silly ways encourages a sense of self control. It is also a great way to connect with each other.

I also travel with creative supplies for the kids to have access to--Color Wonder marker travel kits are great for the car or airplanes, and at least crayons and paper are generally within arms reach anywhere that waiting is required. It's important for kids to have access to something that allows them to be "in charge". Having a variety of materials and tools to choose from allows kids to feel more in control of how and what they are creating, which is key especially in situations in which they have little control, such as traveling. Adults can encourage this creativity and independence by using process focused comments ..."you are using the green marker to color the building" Or "you are using a lot of different shapes in that picture!"... rather than statements or questions about the outcome "what color are you going to use next?" or "what are you drawing?". These interactions show our interest and help kids enjoy a sense of leadership.

I try my best to incorporate one or all of these techniques when I find myself or my kids struggling during busy times and when we are away from home. Sometimes they work wonders and, of course, there are times when they don't work so well. Still, these tools help to remind me and my kids how we can take a break when we need to in order to help reduce stress.

Originally published at takingflightcenter.com December 2015

In my previous post, I explored how I can use mindfulness and focusing on the present to feel more connected with my loved ones and myself. I suggested this is an act of self care, as a way to decrease anxiety related to the hustle and bustle and NOW! NOW! NOW! of everyday life.

"When I’m focused on the present, I’m being kind to myself and accepting myself as I am, instead of focusing on everything I’m not doing or I should be doing.

Self care isn’t just necessarily about what you do. It’s about how you do what you do.”

Here am I, two months later. So, how am I doing?

Well, quite honestly, until a few weeks ago, I wasn’t doing too well with it.

I was feeling a bit busy and noticing that I was increasingly forgetful about silly things, and then I was overly critical towards myself when I couldn’t remember a name or the location of something. I was tired and eventually, I caught a cold. I ignored these symptoms.

And then, one day, I found myself alone in a foreign land. The foreign land was my house. Still. Quiet. Devoid of any other human beings. In the middle of the day. In the middle of the week. I had the whole house to myself.

It happened unexpectedly and it caught me off guard. I didn’t quite know what to do with this new found time and freedom.

For a while, I just sat and noticed all that wasn’t—no rushing to get anywhere or do anything, no demands for my attention or juice and snack getting abilities, no immediate responsibilities to tend to.

Then, of course, my mind wandered to what I should be doing with my time- the usual black holes of laundry, vacuuming and cleaning—always there, wanting to siphon my time and energy, along with the little “to-do’s” that always seem to multiply.

Calmly and peacefully, I decided against these options. I shed any trace of guilt for not doing. By doing so, I practiced self-acceptance and was filled with openness to the moment unfolding before me.

Of course, I ended up doing something, some of it even included items on my then forgotten “to-do” list. But, my change in perspective—that it was MY time, time that did not belong to anyone or anything else—switched my focus to the how I was experiencing the time, rather than what I was doing.

This emerging sense of ownership over my time was empowering. This refocusing on quality of time spent, rather than quantity of tasks or output, shifted me to the present. It awakened me to the fact that I had gotten away from this practice. And, from this perspective, I was able to accept that fact without any harsh self criticism.

I’ve continued to reframe the self talk that creeps in and tells me what I should or could be doing with my free moments, or suggests that I feel guilty about not doing something. And in this way, I am constantly reminding myself to come back to the here and now. It’s sometimes challenging, and when it is, I acknowledge that fact and I move on the best that I can with patience and self-compassion.

I am reminded of a former clinical supervisor who used to say “You can talk the talk, you can walk the walk, but are you walking the talk?” What he meant was, can you put actions to the words and the change that you commit to? This is often the most challenging part of the change process.

As Carl Rogers said, "The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination."

Originally published at takingflightcenter.com March 2015

Last week my colleagues and I presented a workshop to a small group. The theme of the workshop was self-care and being mindful of how we will care for ourselves in the new year. We started with yoga and focused on connecting to our bodies, using movement to help us slow down and be present in the moment. We then moved on to an art journaling activity. We first asked the participants to reflect on present feelings, some hopes for the new year, what we need more of and what we need less of, and how our families can support us in our self-care. Next, we explored our emotions and thoughts related to these topics using different mediums and techniques.

My colleague instructing us through the art journaling encouraged all of us to also participate in the art journaling activity, as she often does. I chose a black and white picture of a mother embracing a child, a simple yet powerful image that resonated with me. As I'm sure many of you can relate to, my children are both my inspiration and my motivation, and my favorite parts of the day are the still and quiet moments spent with them (well, semi-still and semi-quiet...sometimes...). After preparing the image, I sat in front of a blank page, focused on the prompts. After a few moments of collecting my thoughts, I wrote down the following words:

More:

• Time with family

• Me time

• Peace

• Tranquility

• Being present

• Work/life balance

Less:

• Guilt

• To do lists

• Stress

We then moved on to creating our art journal pages with our chosen materials. But, I had this sort of stuck feeling that I couldn't shake, this sense that something wasn't quite right. It blocked me and stifled my creativity.

Then, later that night I got to thinking (said in my best Carrie Bradshaw impression)…. How could I possibly actually achieve these hopes and goals? How could I find more time with my family, more time for myself, while feeling less stress, a better work-life balance, less guilt, a shorter to do list and more peace and focus on the present? This just didn't seem possible when I laid it all out. How would I fit the "more" in while removing guilt and stress? How could I do more with less?

Simply put, I can't.

But, what I can do is change how I think about these aspects of my life.

If I focus on being more mindful, more in the moment, when spending time with my children, I will hopefully feel content with the quality of this time with them. Furthermore, I will feel less guilt when I am away from them and more peaceful when I do get some “me time”. I will be less concerned about the list of all of the "should do's" and focus more on what I AM doing.

I can practice self-care by taking one hour per day, or more likely one hour per week, to spend some "me time" doing something that relaxes and rejuvenates me...and then spend the 167 hours feeling stressed and guilty and never fulfilling all of my obligations.

Or...I can reframe this idea of self-care by working on being more fully connected to myself, my loved ones and my surroundings, as often as I can throughout the day, rather than only during a specified time. By doing so, I make checking in with myself a priority and I become more aware of my thoughts and emotions in the moment before me. When I'm focused on the present, I'm being kind to myself and accepting myself as I am, instead of reviewing everything I'm not doing or I should be doing. I acknowledge my emotions, the full spectrum of emotions, and allow them to be. I treat myself with kindness and compassion.

Self care isn't just necessarily about what you do. It's about how you do what you do.

Originally published at takingflightcenter.com in January 2015